just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize