Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
