i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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