Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
