Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
