fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
