He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
