My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
