the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
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Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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