Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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