I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
