I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
