The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
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i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
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started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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