He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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