I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
