I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
