I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
