Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
