no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
