You're completely useless in the revolution.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
