dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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