Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
