Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
