Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
