I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
