shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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