When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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