So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
