Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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