why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
