I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
