i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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