I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
