You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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