I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
