It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
