My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize