I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
