I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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