Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
