he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
