Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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