Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
