how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
