I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
