We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
