Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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