Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
