worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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