This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i think my cat just said my name.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
