I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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