I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize