You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
